


New Day, New Life

by Cirilla_Lavellan



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Skyrim Fusion, Dom/sub Play, F/F, F/M, Kinda AU, Modern Girl in Thedas, Multi, Romance, Seer, Trigger Warning - Suicide, Witcher 3/Dragon Age Inquisition mashup kinda, shit gets kinda weird, smut in later chapters maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-09 08:19:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4341101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirilla_Lavellan/pseuds/Cirilla_Lavellan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Cirilla commits suicide, she awakens, alive in yet another world as an odd looking elf with some even odder abilities. To her astonishment she finds herself in her beloved fantasy  of Thedas and stumbles upon the beginnings of the Inquisition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I woke up to the sound of my alarm playing “I Found” by Amber Run. Shit, if I was gonna miss anything, it’d be the music. _5:30 pm_ the clock read, fuck. I tried not to dwell on how late I woke up for today would be my last day of caring about anything, I just needed to get up and move my aching limbs to my living room. Left foot, right foot, that’s it girl, you’re almost there. I could see my couch as I rounded the corner, almost there oh god those cushions were beckoning me like cold water on a hot day. I let out and exasperated “fuck”as I slowly lowered my body onto the couch, sweet relief. I could smell the rotting food coming from my fridge, could smell myself, could feel the dull ache of my stomach from not eating for 48 consecutive hours. In truth, I’d been trying to see if I could neglect myself to death. I was 28 years old, couldn’t find a job to fit the major I graduated with (Art Therapy) and my parents kicked my out of their house for good after they concluded that I was hopeless and that they should’ve pushed me to get a different major in College. I had no friends, no love from anyone because my depression had gotten so bad that everyone I ever trusted or held dear, had left because I became too much to handle.I had no money except for the minimum required to live, payments my parents would allow me for the shitty two room apartment and rotting food in my fridge. _Deep breath in_ **I was ready to die today.** _And out_

 I turned on the PS4 that still had The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt in it. I had forgotten that I had spent all of yesterday trying to take down that god damn noonwraith, and failed miserably might I add. _Sigh_ well let’s try something simpler today shall we? I eyed the Dragon Age: Inquisition game case laying on top of the tv, “Well.. okay” I said out loud as I reached for the game. I popped the CD out of the case and pushed it into the slot. The start up screen came into view and I clicked on “load” because honestly I couldn’t remember the last time I played this game or which character I had even been. I’d made a total of at least ten different inquisitors for this fucking game, all in which were elvhen, mind you. I’d finished this game so many times that I felt not being elvhen would be an insult to the entire game, considering it was mainly based around Elvhen culture and its (living) deities. I scrolled through the characters as I finally fell upon my newest and favorably named _Aisha Lavellan_. I loved that name dearly for it was what I’d always wanted as a name for myself. Instead, my parents gifted me with Cirilla.. I hated it. I realized I’d been zoning out for that five minute inner monologue and re-focused my attention on my lovely Aisha. I clicked her slot and waited for the game to load. 

 Aisha was a beautiful creature, long black hair, blue and teal eyes (I honestly had wished so badly that I could mod the PS4 version of DAI because I’d totally give her Witcher eyes, that shit is crazy cool), long dark eyelashes, straight bridged nose, full lips and a lovely scar that started right below her left cheek bone and ended right next to her lips. I gave her June's vallaslin, pale against her amber skin. She was everything beautiful in my mind and to top it all off, she was an assasin. _Sexy as hell_ , I thought. I had left her off while she was on her romance companion quest for Sera, I had forgotten I made her romance her in this one. I was probably trying to switch it up because basically every other time I’ve played this game I’ve made my inquisitor romance the Dread Wolf. “Godamnit Solas you piece of shit.” I said to myself with a squeaky laugh. Laughing was even difficult at this point, my body was so exhausted from my non stop neglect and abuse. I smiled sadly to myself, knowing that this would be the last thing I’d do while alive on this earth. Earlier that week I’d decided to write one suicide letter to my parents, I felt they deserved to have something to ease their nerves once I died. I didn’t want to leave them _hanging_. HAH terrible pun, I mentally hit myself for that one.

 I wasn’t sure how much time had passed but I had made it to the Temple of Mythal. Naturally, not wanting to ruin the relationship I created with Sera, I let Morrigan drink from the Well. I looked over at my wall clock and realized it was already midnight. I didn’t bother to save my game, I shut off the PS4, got up from the couch, cracking as many joints as possible in the process and moved towards my kitchen area. I unplugged the fridge, all my appliances, cleaned up a little bit then moved back towards my bedroom. I had made sure to neaten some things up before I went through with my plans, I didn’t want them to find me in the actual squalor I had been living in for the past month. I set my letter out on my bed and went into my closet. The noose I had made two weeks ago took me so long to get right, and I was proud of the fact that I had finally made something useful. I grabbed it and walked back out into my room, threw it up over my fan and hooked it to make sure it was sturdy. I tested it a few times and when I was finally satisfied, I left it to hang for a minute while I used the bathroom. _Don’t want them to find me with too much shit on myself, LOL._ I was horrible. I left the bathroom and circled around my fan to check and make sure everything was in place. I grabbed a wooden chair from the corner of my room, positioned it under my fan, stepped onto it and pulled the noose over my head. I made sure to tighten it, made sure the rope was short so I couldn’t accidentally survive this, and the last thing I remember was kicking the chair over and falling.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never written fanfiction before or honestly any type of story so if this sucks i'm so sorry.

It was dark and I was freezing cold. _So cold it’s like I’m laying in snow._ Wait. I could feel foreign limbs move. Wait. There was light shining into my eyes. Wait. I’m dead though? No way I could’ve survived I thought this shit through. But here I was, feeling, moving, I opened my eyes a crack and immediately cringed as sunlight hit them. I gradually opened them more and more, slowly getting used to the light surrounding me. I finally had them 80% open when I realized I was in the middle of the woods. _Shit._ I was never a nature person in my life so maybe this is hell? Whatever I just needed to get out of the snow, my clothes were soaked (what the fuck was I wearing?) and my skin felt like it was being torn open. I was so cold. Oh god oh god oh god I was panicking. Where was I?????? Damn okay one thing’s for certain, I needed to move. 

 So I spent hours traveling in one direction, trudging through snow and praying that I would find something, anything, that could possibly lead me to people. I was exhausted, out of breath and frozen by the time I stumbled and fell onto a patch of stone. Hmmm, stone? Looks organized, put together, maybe.. a path? A path! I willed my aching limbs to move and managed to get up and limp a ways further down the path. I saw smoke above the trees. SMOKE MEANS PEOPLE my mind screamed as I limped just a little bit quicker towards it. I made it to a clearing next to a frozen river, I looked out across it and squinted in the sunlight. I could see moving shapes.. people? PEOPLE. I let out a small squeak of joy as I tried desperately to (at this point) crawl towards the shapes. Dragging my body through the deep snow, I stopped. Not even ten feet from where I was, stood a giant white wolf with.. six blues eyes. “What the fuck..?” I said aloud and the wolf cocked its head at me. No fucking way this is happening. There is no way I’m here. I finally knew where I was. “Fen’Harel…Solas?” I asked and noticed the wolf’s hackles raise. Shit I said the wrong thing _shit shit shit_. My vision gave way as the wolf came towards me.

 I awoke in a warm bed sometime later. I could feel my limbs once more, but they felt.. different. Lighter? Did I lose weight or something? I stopped anymore thoughts from creeping into my head, I remembered where I was. I was in Thedas, the world of Dragon Age. Holy shit. Even more realization came to me as I threw myself from my bed, across the room and stopped in front of a mirror. “No way.” I said to myself. I stared at the elf looking back at me; long white hair, thick white eyelashes, still kind of my face except the bridge of my nose was more.. well elfy I guess. I had a new thick scar around my neck _dammit_ , it must’ve followed me through into this world. The last thing I noticed were my eyes. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA” I practically sobbed from laughter, my eyes were like viper’s. Of course I’d have Witcher eyes. I stood there for what felt like forever, staring into the mirror trying to get used to my new look. A knock on my door startled me from my vanity. “May I come in?” came a voice from the other side. I knew that voice. “Of course you may.. Solas.” I said. I could hear his hesitation as he slowly opened the door, my eyes moved to meet his across the room. _Wow, he’s even more handsome in real life._ I thought to myself. Sharp features, pale blue/grey eyes, dimpled chin and a scar above his eyebrow. HAHA bald. I must’ve been staring for too long because he cleared his throat awkwardly. I snapped out of my focus and felt my cheeks heat up. “How may I be of service?” I said as politely as possible trying to hide my _I know everything about you_ smirk, “I wish to know who or what you are, and how you know of my names.” He replied, slightly agitated. I sighed loudly, well this is gonna suck.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“I have the gift of.. sight.” I said, trying to sound as truthful as possible. Solas quirked his eyebrow, clearly not having any of it. “I know everything. The orb was yours, you gave it to Corypheus when you awoke from Uthenra because your power was weak and you wished to unlock the orb to restore the people. You are The Betrayer yet you never truly betrayed. You locked the gods away in order for your rebellion to begin. Your fear is to die alone, yet you never allow anyone to join you. I have seen the past and the future. I know what happens to your orb..” God that was a mouthful. He stared at me incredulously, a flash of something in his eyes, fear? Whatever it was he quickly returns to his ever calm resolve. “It seems you know quite a lot about me, although that does not mean I trust you are a Seer. You are to tell no one about who I am, I have gained the trust of the Inquisition and I will not see it thrown away in seconds due to a dahn’direlan.” he spoke with venom.. _ooooh I’ve struck a nerve haha!_ I gave him my most innocent smile “Of course _hahren_.” Hell yeah I remember elvhen. He gave me a dark look, turned and stalked out of the cabin. I made a mental note to try not to piss him off too much because he might actually kill me. Could I die again? Whatever. I headed out the door, the sunshine burned my eyes something terrible. _Why the fuck are my eyes so sensitive? Oh right, I’m and elf._ I took a look around.. Haven. That means I’m at the very beginning of the game, _disgusted noise_. 

I headed towards the Chantry hall, careful to avoid looking at people for I’m sure my eyes were something, different, even in this world. I saw tents set up ahead and realized that Varric would try to talk to me. _Shit_ , I just needed to talk to the Inquisitor and see where in the game we were located exactly so I could possibly convince him/her that I could be useful and can help out. I tried to blend in with a group of people walking by (Assassin’s Creed much?) but unfortunately my white hair gave me away. “Hey! You, elf!” Varric started. _God dammit_ , I thought. I threw on the fake smile I’d perfected over the years of my family members asking me how life was, and turned to him, “Hello Varric, how may I be of service?” I said. Varric tensed when I said his name but he shot me an Oscar winning smile, “You’re new here right? Cullen told me they found you half frozen to death right on he outskirts of Haven..” he paused and stared at me intently for a moment then laughed. “Well shit! Look at those eyes you’re something of a viper aren’t you?” I only then realized he had noticed my eyes. Great, here comes a new nickname for me. I needed to get to the hall, “Thank you for your time Varric but I must be going, I have other matters to attend to.” I said as kindly as I could, it still sounded like _Listen I don’t care what you have to say just please leave me alone_. He gave me a nod and turned back around to stare up at the breach in the sky. I had totally forgotten that was there oh my God it was incredible looking. It was even scarier in real life but something sparked in me as I gazed upon it. Not a spark of interest but something else, something.. physical. _Well, okay then_. I shrugged to myself and made my way up the steps the the Great Hall. I passed through the large doors and made my way down the hall, and yes I did notice how people looked at me funny I HAVE VIPER EYES I GET IT I’M SORRY. I stopped in front of Josie’s room and knocked hesitantly, a soft “Come in” came from the other side. _Here we goooo._ I opened the door, “Lady Montilyet?” I said, “Yes hello please do come in, have a seat if you’d like.” she she seemed occupied with papers in front of her and blindly gestured to an empty chair in front of her desk. “Not necessary thank you, I was wondering if there was any way I could speak with the Herald?” Josie’s head shot up and her eyes widened when she looked at me. “Oh my..” she began but stopped herself. “I-I’m sorry but the Herald has been very busy in the field today, may I inquire as to who you may be?” oh Josie, so polite. “My name is Cirilla and I am a Seer, I wish to speak with the Herald.. privately.” I said, Josie looked at me, contemplating. “Well that would explain your peculiar eyes then wouldn’t it.. I will see that the Herald is told of your wish to see her when she returns.” _that was way too easy._ “Thank you My Lady.” I said with a polite nod and turned around to head back to my cabin.

 I stood in front of the mirror for probably about two hours, taking in my new face and.. ears. I had to admit, I was really pretty, much prettier than my human self. My skin was like milk and freckled a bit, my lips were full and pink and my eyes were honestly rad as hell. My pure white hair was wavy and fell down to my waist when I took it out of its braid. “I think I’ll like it here.” I said to myself, chuckling. “The Herald returns!” a voice shouted outside, knocking me from my vanity trance. I strode across the room and opened my door. Outside, people gathered to greet the Herald as she walked in with Vivienne, Blackwall and Sera. I saw the point of her ears and her raven black hair. No way.. it’s Aisha! I squealed a little on the inside, seeing my beautiful Herald in real life, she was even more lovely. I looked across the way for a moment and noticed Solas standing in front of his cabin, staring at me. _Jesus Christ_ , my cheeks heated up and I retreated inside my cabin once again. A few hours went by until I heard a knock on my door “Come in” I said as the door slowly opened. A head of raven black hair and two pointy ears popped in behind it, followed by a slender body adorned with a hunter’s jacket and knives. “Lady Montilyet said you requested my presence?” why the hell is everyone so polite here I can’t stand it “Ah yes, please come, have a seat Herald, we have much to discuss.” I said kindly. She gave me a genuine smile and took a seat in the chair next to my bed. I sat crossed legged on my bed across from her. “Thank you so much for meeting with such short notice, Herald. My name is Cirilla and I have the gift of sight. I have seen the past and the future and I wish to help aid the Inquisition with fighting The Elder One.” I stated matter of fact. She sat there a moment, thinking over my words and finally replied “If what you say is true, that you are in fact a Seer then the Inquisition would be ever grateful of your help, but until you can prove you are what you say, we cannot allow you to join my inner circle.” _okay so let’s lay on some fake seeing shit then_ , “Of course Herald, you just returned from your trip to Redcliffe am I correct?” she nods “Then you were propelled a year into the future, your comrades were infected with red lyrium and you had to hold off The Elder One while Dorian created a portal for you to transport back here, correct?” she swallowed hard and nodded, her eyes tearing up a bit. _Damn_ I shouldn’t have brought up the dying comrades thing. “I am glad to see you survived, your comrades are safe and that future is to never happen.” I said, trying to calm her nerves. She looked up with a thankful nod and said “I was wrong to doubt you, Seer. Welcome to the Inquisition.” She stood up and made towards the door but stopped before she reached it, turning around “I see to it that all people here are to treat you well, you shall be fed, clothed and allowed to join on trips assuming you have history with combat. Good day, Cirilla” she gave me a sad smile and walked out the door.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dahn’direlan -n. idiot, moron, lit. bee puncher, one who punches bees
> 
> ha'hren - n. old respected person, wise person, elder, teacher


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about the back and forth past tense present tense stuff I have going on here. I'm no good at this.

I slept soundly that night, I dreamed of Solas in his cabin. He was reading books and I watched him silently from across the room. He sat cross legged in his wooden chair, wearing his green leggings and off white tunic, the wolf jaw bone ironically hanging around his neck. I giggled a little when I saw it, and apparently he heard me????? His head shot up and turned to me, eyes widening. “How did you get in here? Do I have no privacy even in dreams?” his voice laced with irritation. “I’m sorry I did not mean to invade your dreams, although, why dream about reading books when you could just do that in the waking world?” I said. I mean, didn’t it seem a little weird that instead of having cool dreams he’s reading a book? Whatever I don’t know. His eyes narrowed at the question and he turned around to continue his readings. I continued to watch him until he gave an audible sigh and closed his book, turning back around to look at me. “It seems that you are not willing to leave so if you have something you wish to say please, by all means say it.” he said, raising his hand to his forehead to rub his temples. _Hmmm, let’s play._ “Odd you’d say that Dread Wolf, because it would seem that you are the one with something to say. What with all the looks I’ve noticed you’ve given me.” I say with the ghost of a smile on my lips, _smooth_. He looks.. nervous, haha I’ve made the Dread Wolf nervous! I don’t let that realization make me feel in control because I know I am not, but I let it settle in my mind for a bit. Solas opens his mouth to speak, but then closes it as if he is rethinking his words. “I must admit, I am a bit frustrated with you. You are unknown to me and the thought of it is unnerving.” he sighs “What I’m trying to say is that I wish to know more about you” he finishes. This time I’m nervous, he wants to know about me? **Shit**. “What do you wish to know, Ha’hren?” I ask quietly. “First off, I’d like to know your name”, “Cirilla” I reply , “Quite, now Cirilla, where are you from? Do you have a clan nearby?” he asks, “No, I have no one.” I say, sadly I am alone even in this world. He looked at me knowingly and continued, “I sense that you have an untapped well of magic within you, did you know of this?” I freeze, magic? In me? “Uhhh..” I say, dumbfounded “I did not know this..” suddenly my interest is caught, MAGIC?! “FEN’HAREL WILL YOU TEACH ME HOW TO USE MY MAGIC?” I practically scream, which startles him off his chair and he hits the floor with a bang. I shoot him an apologetic look as he gathers himself up off the floor, wiping the dirt off his pants. “I’m afraid your magic is much different than the magic of this world, you will have to learn to master it yourself.” he says, my heart sinks. There’s no way I’d ever be able to do it on my own. He eyes my reaction, breathes out “But I can attempt to help you.” I squeal, I literally squeal and run to hug him, not thinking about the consequences of hugging the Great Betrayer, Roamer of Dreams, The Trickster Dread Wolf. I jump back from the hug and lower my eyes, letting him know that I realized the mistake. Before I know it, his hand cups my chin and raises so he can meet my eyes. He gives me a lovely smile _swoons,_ and says “Wake up.”

I slowly wake up, feeling so well slept it’s unbelievable. I rise from my bed and find a pile of odd clothes next to my bed.. wait seriously what’s up with these clothes? Oh! I recognize them from the “Spoils of the Qunari” add on pack. That means it’s armor, cool! They show a lot of skin and it’s fucking cold outside but I guess I’ll just have to bear with it for now. I shake out the braid I did before I went to sleep and hear my stomach growl. It’s literally been probably four days since I’ve eaten and I am STARVING. I wrap my feet as quickly as possible and rush out into the cold air. It stings my ears so I must cover them with my hands while I make the trek to the tavern, I’m sure I look like and idiot right now but I don’t really care. _Food food food_. I practically barge into the tavern, everyone turns and stares at me like _What is she doing and why does she look like that_. Shit, well whatever. I move my way towards Flissa, noticing that Sera isn’t in her normal space (probably with the Herald haha), I take a seat at the bar. Flissa tries her best not to stare but I understand, I do have cat eyes. I cough awkwardly to gain her attention back to me and not at me. “Oh! Terribly sorry where are my manners? I’m Flissa, what can I get for you sweetheart?” she says, still eyeing me funny, “Anything edible please, I have no coin but I can owe you some, is that alright?” I ask hesitantly, I hate mooching off people but I literally had ZERO money in this world. “Of course love! You don’t owe me a thing though, I’ll let this slide.” Flissa says, giving me a wink. I nod my head in gratitude, she hands me a bowl of soup with meat and bread and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in weeks. I eat so fast that I almost choke, I thank Flissa and head out of the tavern. I round the corner and head up the stairs to Solas. He is standing outside his cabin studying the breach in the sky, a look of guilt and intrigue mask his face, which quickly changes to his regular stone-like appearance when he notices me coming up the stairs. “Hello Cirilla, I take it you slept well?” he says with a knowing smile, I blush at the thought of how he held my face in his hands, “Yes I did, thank you. I was wondering if you.. uh.. knew where the Herald is?” I quickly cover my mistake, I was going to ask for him to begin teaching me about my magic but I completely panicked and god dammit I hate myself. He looked at me a bit confused “I do not know where the Herald is, though I might suggest checking the War Room.” he replied with that lovely smile he gave me in the dream. _My knees are going to give out_. No! I will not allow it. “Dareth Shiral, Solas.” I say, he seems a bit surprised that I would say that but nevertheless he replies with a “Dareth Shiral” and I head towards the Great Hall. I stop in front of the War Room door and hear what seems to be an argument. I still knock though, and hear the voices quiet down as Cullen opens the door. “Ah, you must be the Inquisition’s new Seer.” he eyes me up and down, to which I give him a smirk. “Yes that is me.” I say, Cullen leads me into the room where Leliana, Josie and the Herald all are standing around a large map. The Herald strides over to me “This is Cirilla, she is the new Seer in our group. Cirilla you’ve met Josie..” I give Josie a polite nod to which she smiles back, “This is our Commander Cullen Rutherford..” I also give him a nod, just a bit less politely though, “And this is..” I cut Aisha off and say “Leliana, the Left Hand of the Divine, The shadow behind the Sun Burst throne. A pleasure.” to be honest I was trying to really play out this whole _Seer_ thing. Leliana looked a bit surprised, but then masked it with a smile. “I see that the Herald was not mistaken when she told me of you.” Leliana says with a look of intrigue.”Yes, and I do hope my talent will help the Inquisition further their plans to fight the Elder One.” I say, “If I may ask, when were we planning on heading to the mountains to close the breach in the sky?” I ask, the group looks at the Herald who then speaks, “Midday today, hopefully it will be closed by sunset.” she states. _Ah, I remember this._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dareth Shiral - Safe journey, a farewell.


	5. Chapter 5

The Herald returned from her quest to close the breach, which seemed to have been successful. There were no casualties and Haven rejoiced by dancing and drinking. I stood in front of the Great Hall and looked out to the mountains, I knew what was coming. I turned quickly and met the Herald in front of the War Room, she seemed so happy, relieved if anything. I almost didn’t want to tell her what was about to happen but alas, I felt it would not be right if it meant I could save more lives. “Herald..” I said quickly, “There is to be an attack on Haven very soon, we must ready our forces and evacuate Haven’s residents.” she looked at me with tears in her eyes _dammit I’m really good at upsetting her aren’t I?_ “If that is what you have seen..” I nod at her “Then I shall tell our Commander immediately, Josie! Leliana! Make sure to warn Haven and try to take as many to safety as you can!” Aisha’s voice grew louder. “But Herald, where are we to take them?” Josie asked “Find Chancellor Roderick, he knows a way.” I say somewhat cryptically, but I really had forgotten how everyone escaped Haven so I just threw it all on Roderick haha whatever he’s a dick. The Herald turns back to me “I want you to get Sera, Bull and Solas on the front line. I will meet you in front of Haven’s gates.” I nod at her and with that, I run to gather the party.

 I’ve gotten used to my armor at this point, it provides no coverage from the ice winds from the mountains but I just don’t fucking care anymore. Standing in front of Haven’s gates, the Herald, I and the rest of her personal party gather to speak. In the middle of a strategy talk, there was a loud noise then a voice coming from the other side of the gate. “I can’t help you unless you open up!” It yelled, I immediately realized who it was “Open the gates! It’s Cole he’s here to help us open the gates!” I screamed, as the gates opened I ran out to meet him only to come face to face with a red templar guard. Thankfully, Cole popped up behind him and got him in what I would think is the jugular (not sure of the anatomy of these motherfuckers). Cole gave me a quick nod and we retreated into Haven together. All of the companions eyed Cole funny, except for Solas naturally, but I gave them a look along the lines of _Don’t be stupid he’s here to help I know this because I’ve seen the future._ They understood the look and we got back to work. Considering that I had no fighting skills whatsoever, I was told to head back into the Chantry. Reluctantly I went, after telling them they needed to release the trebuchets as quickly as possible and that the Herald must keep the Elder One talking while she waits for our signal. She gave me a grave look then, as if asking if I knew if she would die. “You are to survive this, Herald. Meet us at camp near the base of a mountain east of here. Good luck.” I gave her a knowing smile and she nodded back, I turned around and ran to safety. When I arrived, Chancellor Roderick was already wounded and had told the Commander of how to get the survivors out. I looked for any wounded survivors and found a woman heavily pregnant, trying to stand. I helped her up and walked her out onto the escape path.

 During the travel to the mountain base camp, I learned that the woman’s name was Eryn and that if her baby was to be a boy it’d be Regan, if it was a girl it’d be Edna. _Ugly names haha._ I felt bad for thinking that. When we made camp I made sure Eryn was warm and comfortable and left her to be watched over by Mother Giselle. I wanted to find Solas, as weird as it was, but I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I searched for what seemed like forever, until I stumbled into him on the outskirts of the camp near the woods. He was sitting cross legged in a pile of snow, possibly meditating? Weirdo. He must’ve heard me coming up from behind him because he quickly stood up as if to run from me, but he remained standing. He turned around and our eyes met, did I see relief in his? No that can’t be, he doesn’t care for me at all. In fact I think he despises me. “I’m glad to see you live.” he said matter of fact, his words stung a little but I’m not sure why, “The Herald is to arrive soon if you’d like to come back to camp.” I said, looking at the ground. Why did I always get so nervous around him? Oh right, he was an _Ancient Elvhen God_. Silly me. We stood there awkwardly for about a minute before he finally answered. “I’ll meet you there.” I nodded in response then turned and walked back to camp.

 I arrived at camp just in time for the Herald to be carried into the healing tent. She was unconscious but alive, Mother Giselle gave her blankets and a healing draught for when she awoke. Hours passed and Aisha finally opened her eyes, she looked over at me with a smile that matched my own. Downing the drought Mother Giselle gave her, I help the Herald out of bed and into dry clothes. Once the potion kicked in, Aisha was handling herself without any assistance so I sat back and watched the scene play out.

 

_Shadows fall_

 

_And hope has fled._

 

_Steel your heart_

 

_The dawn will come._

 

The beautiful melody piped up over the other noises of the camp, everyone joined in the chant and by the end there was a magnificent echo of a holy song. I was still watching the scene when I felt a presence behind me. “A word, please.” _ah Solas._ We walked into a clearing where a veilfire had been lit. Looking at it made my blood sing, something inside me reacted to ancient magic and I could not figure out how to coax it to the surface. Solas and I stood in silence until he began to speak, a beautiful flow of words that felt like silk against my skin. Elvhen, he’s speaking ancient Elvhen.. and I could understand every word. “ _I wish to help you with your magical abilities.”_ he started _“For it has come to my attention that the magic within you is older than time itself, unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. You are powerful and do not yet know.”_ I stood there, shocked that 1. I could understand ancient elvhen and 2. that Fen’Harel, The Dread Wolf, wanted to help ME. “I accept any help you are willing to offer, Fen’Harel.” I said, did he blush a little when I said his name? _Ohohohoho_ do not tell me The Dread Wold has a name kink _OHOHOHOHO_. I banished the thought from my head, blushing a bit myself in the process. “We will begin once we’ve reached Skyhold, then. Dareth Shiral, lethallin.” he spoke softly, my insides squeezed a little when he called me “Lethallin”. “Dareth Shiral, Dread Wolf.” I said as I swiftly made my way back to camp.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lethallin - kin, of the same people.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to space out the conversations in this chapter, let me know if it's easier to read or if I should change it up a bit. Slightly NSFW???

Over the next few days our group of Haven’s survivors marched to Skyhold lead by Solas and Aisha. We had stopped to camp for the night on the outskirts of a forest, about a day’s travel from our destination. I couldn’t stop looking at the Herald. _Gods_ she honestly was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, was I developing a crush? I better fucking not be Aisha is with Sera! Maybe I could get in on it with them..? Okay I need to stop. But everything about her turned me on, her long raven-black hair, her eyes, her smile, her skin and even her vallaslin. Across the camp, Aisha had been speaking with Solas when she noticed me staring, she gave me a lovely smile.

 

“Ugh fuck fuck fuck.” I wheezed as my cheeks heated up.

 

I quickly retreated to my tent, trying terribly hard not to think about threesomes with Solas, Aisha and Sera. _Ugh_ I was a fucking horny mess in this world WHY. Okay okay I just need some sleep and before I know it, we’ll be at Skyhold and all will be well. 

 

Sleep found me easily that night, I drifted into the fade once again but this time shit was different. 

  _Four bodies move in unison, slither, writhe, pulse at odd time signatures, but all together at once. Mixture of sweat, breath, laughter and heartbeats; slender limbs, slender fingers, in. out. in. out. almost there, so close, can feel the power ripple beneath the surface. Louder, louder, screams. Stars burst behinds eyes, white hot fever finally sated by lovers’ touches. Spent. A shadow looms behind the scene, watching. A shadow from the waking realm, it groans slightly as if pained._

  _“Wake up, Cirilla.” it says, strained._

 

I gasp as I wake up, willing the ache between my legs away. I sit up so quickly my head spins and I have to take a moment to collect my thoughts. _What am I a fucking teenager again?_ I never have these dreams anymore, I thought once you’ve reached a certain age you just give up on being horny if no one is in your life to fuck you? I freeze up, my breath quickens. I remember the shadowed figure, I remember its voice, **his** voice.  _Solas saw my dream._ Oh god oh god oh god he saw everything???? Fuck okay well there was more than one person fucking me in the dream, there was Sera and Aisha and.. Solas but maybe he didn't notice.. no he definitely noticed that he was the main person fucking me in my dream nO PLEASE GOD. I’ll never be able to look him in the eyes again, FUCK. There goes my chance of wooing the Wolf dammit. I suck.

* * *

 

 

 I spent the rest of the day avoiding eye contact with Solas, although the one time I did accidentally look at him, he blushed and turned away. Was that a smile on his lips? His beautiful, full lips? No, no he could never want me like that. I turned away from him as well, disappointed but slightly interested still in that possible smile he might’ve given me. I banished those thoughts from my head as we continued our trek. We made it to Skyhold at sunset, the place was in shambles might I add, and we set up tents in the front courtyard. When the sun had finally set, we made a fire and sat around it sharing stories. Varric had the most interesting ones, _naturally_ , or maybe it was just the way he told them. I enjoyed Sera’s the most though, mainly because of the way she talked in that thick Cockney accent. _So sexy_. Shut up! My mind had no filter at this point. I scanned my eyes from the ever talking Sera, to the now “Inquisitor” Aisha Lavellan. She was watching Sera with the most loving look in her eyes, it made my chest hurt how happy I was for her and Sera. My turn gradually came around for a story, in which I tried to pass off to someone else but everyone insisted I had something to tell.

 

“C’mon viper, you’ve gotta have something!” Varric said

 

“I honestly have no stories to tell you, I am not from Thedas so therefor my stories will be foreign and basically impossible to understand.” I quickly replied.

 

Varric look down for a moment, shifting his body on the chair he sat on. He nodded in understanding then said “Well, got any songs from your realm then?”

 

_Yaaasss_ I thought, I know just the song. Now my voice isn’t at well fit for the song as Marika Hackman’s is, but I’d like to think I have a nice voice.

 

  _You come down with your thorns in your crown_

_Tearing the flesh from your skull_

_And the trick of the brain is the trickle in vein_

_As it drips from your ears and your nostril_

_But you could always make the lakes fill up_

 

_Take my hand leave my heart to the damned_

_As you build me a bed in the earth_

_Peel back my skin let the daffodils in_

_As you bury me back to my birth_

_But you could always make me hurt_

 

_Cause I will go to the ends of the Earth_

_Just to hear you sing_

_Make no mistake_

_But the heartache of my weight_

_Feels like the breath of the wind_

_Without the force to push me on_

 

_Plough through the soil, hear the crunch of the foil_

_As you unwrap the bread of my heart_

_Chew through the bones, close your ears to the moans_

_Of you I now am a part_

_But how long can you hold on to your head?_

 

_Take my lungs, pour the songs that we've sung_

_Into a ready-made flask_

_Mouth open wide as you drink it inside_

_Drips through the hole in your mask_

_But you could always make me hurt_

 

 

I finally finished the song, trying to catch my breath, I looked around at my companions. They all seemed awestruck that I could sing at all, I gave them a sly smile.

 

“Shite, Kitty’s gotta meow!” Sera laughed incredulously. 

 

I blushed slightly and told the crew I was hitting the sack, they looked at me a bit confused and I realized they didn’t know that term. So I told them to ignore what I had just said and that I was just going to bed _goodnight leave me alone bye._ I had no dreams that night.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Months passed at Skyhold in seconds, Solas began to teach me ways to control and harness my magic, although it was difficult at first (I may or may not have set his leggings on fire), I gradually got the hang of it. Soon enough I realized that these teachings were creating something akin to friendship with me and Solas, and I relished the idea. While the Inquisitor was out one day, I had been practicing my magic, conjuring a small orb of veil fire in my hand and trying _in vain_ to light a brazier aflame. Solas hadn’t been around at all that day and my chest hurt thinking about _what if he finally got sick of me?_

 

A voice came from behind me, “ _Lethallin, there are some matters in which I would like to discuss privately, would you be so kind..?”_ in perfect Elvhen.

 

“ _Of course, is something the matter Hah’ren?”_ I asked, in equally perfect Elvhen, mind you.

 

He jerked his head in the direction he wished for me to follow him, I nodded at him in understanding and we set off. He lead me to my newer quarters (a side room outside of the garden) and we stepped in, closing the door behind us. 

 

“Your magical control has grown substantially since we first began training.” he said, as I looked at him with pride in my eyes.

 

“For the time I have known you, I still do not truly KNOW you yet you know so much of me..” I immediately lost any good feeling I had; I took a sharp breath, he noticed.

he continued, “I simply wish to know where you are from and what your intentions are in Thedas.” 

 

_Shit_ , I didn’t want to have to show him the old me. _Shit shit shit_ , I don’t know how he’d take it. What would I even show him? The failure my life was before? The squalor that I called a two bedroom apartment? I had nothing to show him, nothing good at least. I began to panic and he seemed to have noticed, he placed his hands on my shoulders as if to reassure me that anything I tell him would be alright. YEAH OKAY SOLAS. His hands felt warm and comforting, oddly enough, and I felt my cheeks begin to heat up. He took it as a sign to remove his hands and I immediately missed the intimate contact. I will show him _deep breath in_ what I used to be _and out._

 

“Is that what you want, lethallin? To witness the old me?” I asked, hesitating on each word.

 

“Only if you are comfortable enough to share with me.” He said _so polite._

 

I told him to meet me in the fade, we both laid in my bed _oooooh this is exciting isn’t it Cirilla?_ Oh shut up. He cast a sleeping spell over us, one that was to last for about an hour, so if I suddenly felt uncomfortable and wanted to change the dream/memory, then I could. Hmmm, I’d think of something. And so together, we fell into a deep sleep.

 

* * *

 

_A human, small, probably about 5’2” at most, medium length red hair cut at odd angles. Her eyes are a brilliant green. She is sitting on a couch in front of something akin to a glowing box? She is sad, gaunt, there is a noticeable smell coming from one of her rooms. She sits in deep thought for a while, then stands and walks into the other room. She returns with a noose._

 

I watched Solas’s face suddenly turn grim, I looked at him to ask with my eyes if he wished for me to stop the memory, but he paid no attention to me and kept watching the scene play out.

 

_She lays a note on her bed then takes the noose and throws it up over an odd fixture on her ceiling. She lets it hang there for a minute, studying it, then heads into yet another room. There is a noise, the sound of running water then she returns to her noose. Standing up on a chair, she takes the noose into her delicate hands, wraps it around her neck, tightens it, then falls._

 

I stop the memory and instead, shift the fade into something more happy. A beach with black sand and see through water comes to mind. This does not capture Solas from his thoughts, though, as he continues to stare sadly across the sea. 

 

After what seems like forever, he speaks “I’m sorry I made you show me this. I had no intention to make you uncomfortable and I am sorry for pressuring you.”

 

“Ma fen..” I begin and he looks at me, startled that I used such a term of endearment, but I continue, “You have become very important to me, more important than I could’ve ever imagined..” _hell yeah I was using his own fucking words right now fuck with it_ “and you have been a true friend to me all this time, I felt you deserved to know the truth about me. Although I do not know where my magical abilities derived from and I am sorry if this memory did not answer all of your questions.” I finish.

He looks at me with such raw emotion, such sadness, that I feel my eyes sting with tears. Before I know it, he is grabbing me and pulling me into an embrace. 

 

I want this dream to end, for this is not real, “Wake up.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ma Fen - my wolf, a term of endearment Cirilla uses.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter, sorry guys. I've been struggling with this story. But shout out to all the people that comment with words of encouragement, I wouldn't be able to do this without you! xx

I avoided Solas for the next few days, unable to think about the memory we had shared. I felt that I had shown him too much and that he now looked at me with pity, I couldn’t stand it. I felt anger boil inside me when I thought about my naivety and thin skin. _I needed to leave_ , just for a little while. 

 So I packed a bag with a few changes of clothes, some cheese, bread and a woolen blanket. _Definitely Lord of the Rings/ hobbiting this shit_. I laughed to myself. I waited until it was the dead of night, then silently made my way through the front courtyard. I left no note for anyone, I felt they wouldn’t ask where I went, I was expendable _just like before_. A sad smile graced my lips as I realized that I was no different, no better, no happier than I was in my previous life. _Sigh_. I snuck my way to the stables and untied the red Hart I’d been learning to ride with Master Dennet the previous day, I was good enough to do it on my own.. I think. Whatever fuck it. The Hart snorted and bent its huge head down to nuzzle my pocket for treats. I told her that I’d give her an apple if she was quiet, and I swear to god she understood me because she made not one sniffle as we walked out of Skyhold. Once we reached the outskirts, I gave her the promised reward as she nibbled my hand in delight, mounted her and off we went into the surrounding forest. 

 We made camp, deep in the forest that night. I tied Ena’vun to a tree (yes I named her Sunrise, what? She is literally the color of the morning sky) and set up my fur bedroll. It was hours before I heard the soft snoring of my sweet hart, and hours still until I heard the crunching of leaves beneath the feet of something much larger, coming towards me from the woods. I jumped to my feet, remembering that I had forgotten to set a ward up (but it probably wouldn’t have mattered because it would’ve been weak anyways) and I silently cursed myself. I had no weapons except for a small, concealable dagger that Cole had given me a few weeks prior. I was a ready as I’d ever be. The footsteps got closer as I prepared myself for the worst and then… _are you fucking kidding me?_

 

 Naturally, Fen’harel had managed to follow me without my detection and when he finally cornered me, I wasn’t at all surprised.

 

_“LETHALLIN WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING.”_ he practically yelled at me, but the way elvhen curled off his tongue.. mmmm.

 

He noticed me staring at his mouth but this did not stop his ranting.

 

_“You would leave Skyhold, alone, not tell anyone and just expect no one would worry? That no one would try to look for you? You would show me your past life, avoid me for the next few days and then leave on your own and not think I would come find you?!”_ he finished, but shit, those words hurt. I had originally thought he just missed me, and that was a nice feeling, being missed. Instead, he was worried I ran off and hung myself.. again.

 

I noticeably recoiled at his words. _I knew I made a fucking mistake showing him that_. The cold in his eyes immediately softened at my expression but before he could speak I was cutting him off.

 

_“I am not a child, Fen’Harel. I am not the person I was in my past life. I am not in that place anymore and for you to think that I still am.. “_ I was verging on tears, but I held them back and continued. “ _I am hurt that you think me to not able to care for myself.”_

 

I had been trying so hard not to allow my old wounds to open, but I was losing the battle between myself and I. I felt them tear, slowly, painfully and I could do nothing but slump to the ground in defeat. Old feelings rushed back, pain, overwhelmingly heavy pain in my chest. **I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe.** Breathe Cirilla Breathe. I felt my arms fold around my legs as I curled into a fetal position. _Well this is beyond embarrassing_. God dammit I don’t care right now I just need to focus. on. breathing. Every bone in my body was breaking under and invisible weight, I was being crushed to death. My sight began to blur, Solas’s figure strained to remain one solid mass as my vision doubled. I wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t breathing. Help me. Help me. Help me. Is he laughing? Oh god what if he’s laughing? I can’t be here right now, I need to _go_. I made to crawl away from him but my body was unresponsive, my veins were freezing up, so cold, the blood in my body was ice.

  I felt more limbs wrap around me, but not my own. Solas had gathered me up into his arms and was whispering a calming spell in my ear. I felt the effects almost immediately. That’s it, breathe in and out. In and out. Before I knew it, I was almost back to my normal breathing pattern. Being tucked against his tunic had given me a chance to relax and breathe in his smell. He was earthy, like pine. I was enthralled. In my state of panic I had not felt how he had been stroking my hair, but I felt it now. A soothing rhythm, I was falling asleep in his arms, _wait no don’t fall asleep!_ Without thinking, my hand lifted up and grazed his chin, he looked down at me through my closing eyes. There was warmth in his.

 

 

“Ma Fen’lath” I said, before sleep took me.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ena'vun - sunrise
> 
> Ma Fen'lath - roughly translates to "my wolf love"


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for this chapter to get posted, I had a lot of trouble with it.

I awoke the next morning in my bed back at Skyhold. How’d I get here??? Oh right, Solas probably carried my exhausted body back on Ena’vun. I willed myself to move my tired limbs, _one foot forward, that’s it now the next one, good girl Cirilla_. I realized as I made towards the door that I had not changed out of the clothes from the previous day, or in fact, bathed as well. I made a noise of disgust at this news. Ugh, what if Solas smelled me? UGH. Whatever, I’m over it. 

 My inner monologue continued as I gathered cleaner clothes from my dresser and made my way towards the baths in the back of the courtyard. _Man, there’s a lot of rooms and shit in Skyhold that the video game doesn’t show_. I keep my eyes on the ground as I approach a (seemingly) quiet bath. Peeling the dirt-crusted fabric from my body I lean over and light the embers beneath the tub, thankful that I had magical abilities in this world. I sunk into the tub with an audible groan and began to scrub the dirt and other atrocities from my skin. There were always bars of soap and vials kept next to each tub, each vial filled with a different scent to use for your hair. I always chose the one that smelled like lavender. I used to love lavender. Instinctively my hand reaches for the scar along my neck, I feel where it puckers and then evens out. It feels old, like I got it years ago. The pain is still fresh. 

 

I let the wind dry my hair as I walk through the garden, stopping to smell each flower. I feel lighter, happy even, but I am unsure why. A voice breaks through my thoughts.

 

“Cirilla” It says, I look around and notice that there is no one else in the garden at the moment, except for.. Solas. Of course.

 

Our eyes meet, “Hello Solas, how may I help you?” I say, sounding way too much like how fast food workers greet you at drive thrus.

 

Switching to elvhen, he continues _“I was wondering if we could possibly speak somewhere privately, preferably somewhere more.. interesting?”_ I allow a smile to slip past my mask, he notices it and takes it as a sign that I will allow it. Well he’s not wrong???

 

He reaches for my hand and as if on que, I feel my fingers naturally interlace with his. He smiles at me in response and I feel my stomach grow fluttery as he leads me to my room. I knew he had been referring to the fade, so I sat on the edge of my bed and gestured for him to come and lay next to me. Soon enough, I find myself in Crestwood in that wyvern’s nest that Solas (in the game) always dumps Lavellan. A sense of sadness washes over me as I remember all of my beautiful inquisitors’ hearts that Solas has unknowingly broken in past games. I look up at him and notice him studying my face with a look of concern, I snap out of my memories and give him a genuine smile in which he returns. With my hand still in his, he beckons me to sit on a patch ofdewy grass. 

 

We sat across from each other, with our hands still entwined. I looked at him and noticed his expression had suddenly turned serious, my heart stopped. Was he going to dump me? Wait, we aren’t even together.. right?

 

“I wish to apologize for upsetting you last night.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding in and he continued, “I know you are not a child and can take care of yourself, I had just been.. worried.”

 

He was worried.. about me? I quickly turn my head to avoid giving him a full view of my blushing face, “It’s alright, there is no need for an apology, I overreacted” I quickly reply.

 

  _Oh shit_. Oh gods no please do not tell me I love this deranged Wolf God no PLEASE THIS IS A VIDEO GAME THIS IS NOT REAL I CANNOT AFFORD TO HARBOR ANY FEELINGS TOWARDS THESE PEOPLE. I am frozen, eyes wide. Solas looks at me, visibly confused by my expression and leans towards me to rest his hand under my chin. I feel tears begin to sting my eyes, fuck me for being so goddamn weak in front of this elf. I can’t afford to love in this world. I don’t think I could handle it. _Is it just me or is he moving closer?_ Oh shit, oh shit he definitely is moving closer, uhhh uhhh UHHH. 

 

Solas rested his forehead against mine,“It’s difficult not to think about you; in all my years I’ve never met a creature as bewitching as you are. Even knowing my true form you have stayed by my side and for that, I am in debt to such kindness. Ar lath ma.” he said.

 

He told me he loved me.. _shit_. The tears started to flow freely now but Solas wiped them away with his fingertips. I crawled onto my knees and moved over to him to lock him in an embrace. He cradled me in his arms like I was the most fragile thing in all of Thedas. _He loves me_. Oh I love him as well, unfortunately. **I love a video game character**. No! He’s real in this world, I can touch him and feel his pulse underneath my fingers. I can see every vein in his arms clearly, I can see every wrinkle that forms when he smiles. I love him. He is _real_.

 

“Ar lath ma, Fen’Harel.” I finally replied and to that he looked at me with such raw emotion, such joy (or maybe pride?) that I felt I was drowning in it. My cheeks heated up significantly as his hand found my chin and tilted it up to look me in the eyes. 

 

“Ma daurnatha” he said with a handsomely mischievous smile, only making me blush harder at his words. 

 

I’m not sure when our lips finally met but when they did, it was like I’d been living with no water, with no air to breathe my entire life. His kiss sent me reeling, my head was dizzy and I couldn’t tell if it was from the love I felt or the (now painful) ache between my legs. I was hypnotized.

 

Between breathless kisses I said “Ma sa’lath, I think It’s time to wake up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ma’sa'lath - my one love  
> Ma daurnatha - My viper, poisonous snake (used as an endearment in this case)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things were going normal and then BAM submissive Cirilla.

 I awaken in a mass of tangled limbs. Wait.. there’s too many these can’t all be mine? Oh, right. Solas is next to me, or more like _under_ me. Gods, he’s so beautiful when he sleeps.. okay snap out of it you’re being weird Cirilla. He looks calm when he sleeps, like none of the problems of the waking world can follow him into his dreams, oh how I wish I could sleep as peacefully as him. 

 I notice moonlight shining through the cracks in my wall, _how long have we been asleep for?_ I try to shimmy my leg out from under him and make some space between us but he does the more peculiar thing.. he **growls** at me and pulls me closer to him to bury his face against my neck.

 I froze for a second before completely losing it and l started laughing horribly loud, straight from my belly. This woke him with a startle, which only made me laugh more. He quickly relaxed and gave me the cutest groggy smile ever. I couldn’t help it, I laugh some more before giving him a swift kiss on his lovely, full lips. 

 

_“May I ask what is it you find so humorous?”_ he asks in elvhen, still very much so half asleep.

 

_“My wolf, when I tried to move from the bed you growled at me. It was obscene, to say the least.”_ I tease.

 

I noticed the tips of his ear flush a lovely pink as he smiled shyly and looked away from me. 

 

_“I apologize, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable.”_ he says with a stern look.

 

With minimal amount of effort I roll on top of him, placing both my thighs against his hips so I’m straddling him. This surprises him for he flinches a bit as I do this but then something dark and sinister replaces the surprise in his eyes.

 

_“I thought it was lovely.”_ I lean in to whisper in his ear, quickly tucking my face to give him a slow kiss behind it.

 

He physically shivers from this and gives me a wicked smile in return. I have control over this elf and I think I might like it, usually I’m the one under control but maybe I could switch it up? Before he can react to my advances, I roll off of him and sit up, _he will have to work for it_. He gives a disappointed look but quickly comes to a conclusion as to why I moved away, I play along for now.

 

“I believe it is late now, we were in the fade for quite some time. We wouldn’t want our companions wondering why I was with a hobo apostate until the early hours of the morning.” I say with a wink, quickly switching back to the common tongue.

 

He gives me an understanding nod, bidding me goodnight and gracefully moves across my room and out the door, closing it gently behind him.

 I have to take a moment to catch my breath, jesus that was hot. I shake my head at myself; I’m so stupid for allowing myself to love him. The happiness I felt from his presence quickly evaporates into an aching sadness, the sudden urge to run, settles in me. This is a common impulse I seem to experience every time I become uncomfortable or sad or really when I feel any emotion at all. _Sigh_. No sleep for me tonight.

 I stay awake through the early morning hours, unsure of what time it is (or how they even fucking keep track of time here) I get out of bed, throw a leather hunting jacket I had found _stole_ from the Undercroft and then make my way to the garden. I find a dry spot underneath the gazebo and sit there for a while. A song comes to my mind, oh how I miss my music, and I decide to sing it. 

 

Desperately clinging to the lyrics, hanging on each word, I don’t want to forget them because even though I hated my 28 years on Earth, I loved the music there more than anything. 

 

“ _Take me out tonight_

_Where there's music and there's people_

_Who are young and alive_

_Driving in your car_

_I never never want to go home_

_Because I haven't got one anymore_

 

_Take me out tonight_

_Because I want to see people_

_And I want to see life_

_Driving in your car_

_Oh please don't drop me home_

_Because it's not my home, it's their home_

_And I'm welcome no more”_

 

Music always had made me happy, so when a sudden wave of pure joy hit, I could do nothing but stand and dance. The song was miserable but I was brilliant, vivid light.

 

_“And if a double-decker bus_

_Crashes in to us_

_To die by your side_

_Is such a heavenly way to die_

_And if a ten ton truck_

_Kills the both of us_

_To die by your side_

_Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine_

 

_Take me out tonight_

_Take me anywhere, I don't care_

_I don't care, I don't care_

_And in the darkened underpass_

_I thought Oh God, my chance has come at last_

_But then a strange fear gripped me_

_And I just couldn't ask”_

 

The sun was bright in my eyes, warmth filled me and I continued.

 

_“Take me out tonight_

_Oh take me anywhere, I don't care_

_I don't care, I don't care_

_Driving in your car_

_I never never want to go home_

_Because I haven't got one_

_No, I haven't got one_

 

_And if a double-decker bus_

_Crashes in to us_

_To die by your side_

_Is such a heavenly way to die_

_And if a ten ton truck_

_Kills the both of us_

_To die by your side_

_Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine_

 

_Oh, there is a light and it never goes out”_

 

I finished the Smiths song just as the sun began to rise. I walked out from under the gazebo and stood in the sunlight, letting it dry the wet dew that had formed on my clothes. I felt the lack of sleep finally catch me, as I made my way back to my room for some necessary sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

_“_ **_Get on your hands and knees, pet._ ** _” she says to me, her tone cold and bitter. It sends a shiver down my spine._

 

_“_ **_Yes mistress._ ** _” I say in return, lowering myself to the ground so that I may look up at her. I sit back on my heels, the latex pinching my skin in a lovely way._

 

_My mistress, dressed in all black, directs me to kiss her shoes, I do so as to avoid further punishment, I wish to please my mistress. After I clean her heels with my tongue she tugs at my collar towards the bed on the opposite side of the room._

 

_“_ **_Bed._ ** _” she says, I follow behind her obediently._

 

_She ties me down, I can feel the lack of blood flow in my limbs and it sends me reeling. I try my hardest not to squirm as she finishes the knots at my wrists, but I accidentally jerk and she gives me a disapproving glare. Her hand meets my cheek with a loud smack and it stings, but I am silent in return, I understand that I deserved it._

 

_“_ **_Thank you mistress, it will not happen again._ ” ** _I say, weak with arousal._

 

_She nods her head, hearing the sincerity in my apology, and finishes the knot she was working on. I am finally tied up to her liking, weak and vulnerable. For a split second I think I see a shadow in the corner of my eye, but I dare not turn away from my mistress._

 

 

_“_ **_You will come for me, pet, but it will not be by my hand, I will not allow you that pleasure for you were disobedient earlier. tsk tsk._ ** _” she says, I drool at her words._

 

 

_My mistress has been wearing a mask this entire time, as have I, and it is only until I see the green magic spark in her hand that I realize who it is. This is a dream. Dammit._

 

_She notices my distraction and sends a pulse of sharp magic unto me. It burns then fades quickly, like hot wax. I feel myself getting wetter with each wave, I am close just from pure pain. Gods I am really fucked up aren’t I? Whatever._

 

_Another shadowy movement, this time there is a figure though and it walks into my view._

 

_Sera._

 

_Oh my god I need to chill out with the threesome bullshit with Aisha and Sera HONESTLY._

 

_I realize that Sera is in the same outfit as I am albeit without a mask and collar, odd because I’d never expect her to be a sub but this is also a dream so okkkaaaaayyy._

 

_“_ **_Sera I want you to help me make the pet come, you will do that for me, yes?_ ** _” Mistress says, Sera gives her a toothy grin and nods, turning then to focus her attention on me._

 

_Sera crawls across the bed and hovers above me, her hand traces where the fabric ripples between my breasts. I am aching now._

 

_My mistress then sends another wave and I squirm with my build up, I can feel it behind my eyes now. My mistress knows how close I am and she drags the magic out painfully slow, eyes fierce with satisfaction from my suffering. Sera has unzipped the front of my catsuit and starts to kiss my collarbones, slowly making her way down to catch my nipple in her mouth, she rolls it expertly and I let out an obscene moan. Sera works one breast in her mouth and grabs the other one forcefully in her hand, I gasp in response to her roughness. I can’t take much more of this._

 

_“_ **_Mistress may I please come?_ ** _” I plead, feeling hot tears well up in my eyes, I need release._

 

_She stares at me intently, “_ **_I want you to plead to the Dread Wolf to let his magic take you._ ** _”_

 

_I am incoherent, beyond aroused as I borderline scream “_ **_Dread Wolf please hear me! Let me come Fen’Harel! Great Betrayer I wish to come from your magic!_ ** _”_

 

_I hear his voice instead, “_ **_Cirilla..?_ ** _”_

 

_I don’t process it for I am screaming and crying from release, stars burst behind my eyes white hot flames lick my brain. I am gone. I am gone._

 

_I am gone._

 

I wake up with a gasp, sweat dripping off my chin and pooling on my neck. It takes me a moment to remember.

 

“Oh FUCK.”

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I wanted to apologize for not updating this story as regularly as I thought I would be. I haven't been feeling well lately and have neglected this chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to update this again soon. Love you all xx

 It took me a little while to figure out that I had accidentally dragged Solas into my dream; turns out if you cry out to The Dread Wolf, and emphasis on the _crying out_ part, he will actually show up. So naturally I felt that avoiding Solas for the rest of the day would be the best idea. 

 I spent hours in my bed under blankets, scolding myself. How could I be so careless? How could I have not thought about _oh what if Fen’Harel will actually show up if you use his name?_ Or even _what if you scream his name while coming, in the fade?_ Oh my fucking SHIT I am beyond stupid, I don’t think I could ruin this life any more than I already have. The overwhelming heaviness of depression hit me again as I curled up into a ball, wracking my body with heaving sobs. I hate myself. I hate myself. **I hate myself**. I want to kill myself, again. AGAIN HAHA I ALREADY HAVE DONE IT BEFORE AND WHERE DID THAT GET ME? INTO A FUCKING VIDEO GAME THAT’S WHERE IT FUCKING GOT ME. I give up, maybe I’ll just lay in bed for the rest of my life here. I felt the beginnings on a panic attack coming on, why can’t I just feel alright? _Because you are crazy Cirilla_ , shut up! I feel a swell of something hot inside my chest, what the fu..

 

 I didn’t even notice Cole until I heard his soft voice in my ear, “I came because you are hurting”

 

I sighed deeply, I should’ve expected that I couldn’t hide my pain from a spirit of compassion for this long. “Hello Cole” I said.

 

“You have a constant hurt, two voices, one makes you sad but the other.. is your voice, or are they both your voice? I don’t understand.” 

 

“It’s alright Cole, It’s called being _crazy_.” I say a bit coldly, noticing him frown in frustration at my response.

 

“Crazy.. but you’re not? Hands stained with blood, shaking, ‘I don’t want this, I didn’t want this’.. and the pain stopped for a while, but then it came back. Following through. I’m sorry if I did not help..” Cole says quietly, before disappearing into thin air. 

 

Great, not even the spirit of compassion can understand my pain, I really am fucked up. I sigh deeply and realize that it must be the late afternoon already, I’d been wallowing in self pity for hours now. It’s time to get some air. 

 I slowly get out of bed, every bone in my body cracking in response, and change out of the clothes that are (at this point) covered in snot and tears. Ugh. I pull on some tan colored leggings and a dark grey tunic. The tunic has a high collar to somewhat cover my neck up, I’ll have to thank Josie at some point for getting it for me. I give myself the once over in my mirror; I still am not used to my new body, thin and agile but still with the subtle curves I had as a human. I am attractive, that is true, but my the scar on my neck is abrasive to say the least. It’s barely covered up from the tunic but I ignore it for now and move my eyes up to my face. My skin is pale and freckled, my ears are long and graceful and my eyes are downright terrifying. This is not the old me, or maybe it’s just the real me? I don’t wish to dwell any longer as I quickly turn on my heel and hurry out my door. I feel my stomach growl as I quickly make my way through the garden, I decide to take a detour to the kitchen and I try to make sure to avoid all companions but naturally, that is impossible. 

 

The first thing I notice is the Antivan accent, “Cirilla, a word if you may?” Josie asks, polite as always.

 

I grumble a bit before throwing on my award winning fake-smile and turn to walk into Josie’s room.

 

“Hello Lady Montilyet, how may I help you?” I say as warmly as possible.

 

“I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for most of today but Solas told me that you had been feeling under the weather so I sought to find you tomorrow instead..” I cringe when she mentions Solas, she doesn’t notice and continues, “But it seems that you are better now and I wish to ask if you would like to accompany the Inquisitor and her companions to Halamshiral next week? She requested that you come with her.” Josie finishes.

 

Oh my god why me? WHY ME. I feel my jaw flex and my teeth grind together, there is no way I can get out of this shit, is there?

 

“If the Inquisitor requests my presence then of course I shall accompany her.” I say with a tight smile, Josie’s eyes light up at my response. Obviously she was expecting a fight.

 

“Wonderful! I shall tell the Inquisitor and send for a seamstress to fit you immediately! That was all, thank you Cirilla.”

 

I give Josie a strained nod and practically run back to my room, fuck being hungry I was now beyond stressed about this and needed to go cry or something. Of course I basically run into Solas on my way to my room, he had been turning the corner at the same time as me and my head collided with his chest with a painful smack, sending me almost to the ground if not for Solas grabbing me by the waist and hoisting me back up to stand. _Shit_ , I hadn’t been planning on seeing him at all today so I hadn’t thought about what to say to him when (and he will) asks why I’ve been avoiding everyone today. Great, here it comes.

 

“Lethallin, I’m glad I ran into you. Literally” he gives me a small smile and I nervously cough in response.

 

“I wanted to apologize for invading your dreams, once again. I would, however, like to inform you that when you call out to the Dread Wolf in the fade, he is likely to.. come” he’s laughing now, oh my god is he making fun of me?

 

A wave of relief hits and I playfully smack his shoulder.

 

I respond seriously despite our current playful tone, “Let’s just never speak of this, deal?”

 

“Deal” he says with a wink before walking back to his rotundra. 

 

That fucking wolf.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I was having terrible writer's block with this chapter so I'm not sure if it's my best work. Hope you still enjoy it! xx

Halamshiral became increasingly nerve-wracking during the next few weeks. Not only did I have to wear a dress but I have to learn how to dance AND play the game. I spent hours training with Vivienne, Josie and Leliana. By the end of the second week I felt like I was about to explode.

 

It was late one night when I decided that _enough was enough_ ; I needed to get out of here for a few hours. I packed a bag with a pair of clothes and shrugged my hunting jacket on. No need to write a note, right? It’s not like I’m killing myself again, I’ll be back. I hum to myself as I sneak through the garden, down the stairs and through the courtyard; careful to avoid some of the Chargers who are passed out, drunk in front of the tavern. 

 

“Almost there” I whisper to myself, chest tight with the fear that someone will notice me.

 

I fade-step through the gate, surprised that it actually worked, and I continue my walk; there is a cleared stone path that I follow along for about two hours until I come to the edge of the forest I camped in last time. I decide to make a path through them, passing the old spot I had stayed at, and continuing forward until I was sure there would be no way someone could’ve followed me. I breathe a sigh of relief when I look around and find no one staring back. There was something I had been wanting to try, something that I just recently thought of.

 

Prior to receiving Dragon Age Inquisition, I had been a huge slut for Skyrim; every DLC they made I had and I was enthralled. Thinking to myself as I laid in my bed back at Skyhold, _what if I was Dovahkiin here_..?

 

The thought excited me so I had decided that not only did I need a break from the up and coming stress of Halamshiral, but I also needed to test out my theories. 

 

There was a clearing not far from where I put my bag down and so I spent the next hour arranging a line of stones into makeshift dummies to knock over with my Thu’um. Once I was done I stepped back a ways and shifted my body into a fighting stance. Legs shoulder width apart, hands curled into fists and my shoulders squared. I focused on feeling the power course through me, but instead of coaxing it into my arms and through a staff like Solas had been teaching me, I directed it into my chest. A wave of warm, bubbling energy rose to the back of my throat as I inhaled deeply.

 

I opened my mouth and just as I was about to say the words, a black mass darted through the trees in my peripheral vision. 

 

“Fucking really? It had to be right now?” I grumble, disappointed that I now have to re-focus my Thu’um later.

 

I turn towards where the shadow had been and three pairs of blood red eyes meet mine. 

 

I sigh, “Ma fen why have you followed me out here? I only wished to be alone.” 

 

The creature shifts back into the Elvhen body that I know too well at this point. His voice reaches out to me “I only wished to make sure you were not doing anything reckless.”

 

He walks towards me and pulls me into a hug, kissing my forehead then resting his chin on the top of my head.

 

“I do not mean to worry so much but I’ve noticed you’ve seemed unhappy lately and I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

 

Oh my wolf, so protective of me.

 

“I am fine, Ma’sa’lath, I only came here to relieve some stress and..” do I tell him? 

 

He pulls away and looks down at me, a questioning look in his eyes as he waits for me to finish my sentence.

 

“I have something to show you” I say softly, he gives me a _go ahead_ look.

I walk back towards the stone dummies I had made and try to fill him in on what is about to happen.

 

“There is another World that I have visited in my.. travels.. that was once entirely ruled by Dovah, or as we call them here, dragons. They speak and ancient language known as Dovahzul. This language is very powerful and used when they fight; ice breath or fire breath or what have you, they are all actually magical words. In this other world I was known as “Dovahkiin”, meaning that I had the soul of a Dovah in a mortal’s body. I am able to speak Dovahzul and can cast these ancient spells. It is called my Thu’um and I basically yell shit at dragons.” I finish off my story and look over at Solas, he stands there with a blank expression.

 

After a few awkward moments he opens his mouth “And you’ve known this whole time..?”

 

“No, well maybe I’m not sure actually. I always felt something powerful in my blood but I didn’t think to connect it with a Thu’um. You even said so yourself that my magic was ancient.” I reply, he gives me an expression that I could only akin to surprise.

 

“So you can speak yet another language? And you have the soul of a.. Dovah? You surprise me every day, vhenan.”

 

I give him a beaming smile and a nod. I motion for him to step back a little ways so that I may continue my example.

 

Closing my eyes I pull my mana into my chest, feeling it simmer and bubble like a pot of hot water. When it finally reaches my throat, I get back into my stance and open my mouth.

 

“ **FUS.. RO DAH!** ”

 

My Thu’um echoes through the forest as every insect quiets for a moment. The rocks in front of me have all but disintegrated and chunks of the ground have torn up, a few trees nearby have been uprooted as well. I look behind me to see Solas staring back at me wide eyed with his mouth open. I giggle.

 

There’s a sudden flash of blue light and a thousand voices speak in my mind, my hands fly to my temples as I fall to my knees and wait for the onslaught to end. I can see Solas running over to me, wordlessly yelling. Just as quickly as the voices came, they leave and I am left on my knees trying to recover. 

 

“Cirilla are you all right? What happened?” Solas is panicking.

 

Little does he know that what just happened isn’t worth worrying about; I have received all known shouts and the Dovahzul language. It’s all come back to me.

 

I smile up at his worrisome face, “ **Dreh ni faas dii lokaal, pah los pruzah. Zu'u lost ahst laat hiiv dii jahrii suleyk**.” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Dreh ni faas dii lokaal, pah los pruzah. Zu'u lost ahst laat hiiv dii jahrii suleyk.” - (translation): "Do not worry my love, I have been restored to my full power at last.
> 
> Dovah - "dragon"
> 
> Dovahkiin - one with the soul of a dragon but the body of a mortal.
> 
> Thu'um - the power that allows the Dovah to use "shouts".


End file.
